A gap in the cycle — Why you need to understand patterns of relating in your family
As much as our families are not the only source of neurosis in our lives, they do play a significant role in how we relate to the world. From the moment we are born we are enculturated into our family dynamic, including the values, the norms and the behaviours that are deemed acceptable. This can form the basis of our moral behaviour but can also be a source of psychopathology: ever wonder why you feel so guilty looking out for yourself? Or for expressing your anger? Your family may be the answer.
N.B. To be clear, this is only a guide to understanding the patterns of relating to the world in your family. It is not a way of ascribing blame to any suffering. For most of us, our families sincerely tried to look out for our wellbeing. Often in therapy, feelings of resentment towards our caregivers may arise. I do not intend to elicit this. All I ask is that you approach your exploration with equanimity and awareness.
I’d like to share with you a way of exploring our families that I use with clients. This is not a set structure per se, but a process of questioning that I use to uncover how our families have shaped our attitudes, values and behaviours. It may help to get out something to write on as you explore this.
Question 1: What did your family celebrate?
A variety of factors, including the circumstances your family found itself in, led to the development of certain ideals. For example, a family that found themselves in unstable circumstances may pride themselves on their honesty and collaboration. This makes sense as these ideals were necessary for the family’s “survival” (be it social, economic, or psychological). Alternatively, a family that had experienced significant hardship could embrace an attitude of toxic positivity as a way of not bringing up past suffering.
Make a list of all the traits that were celebrated in your family. These traits may not have been part of every member’s identity, but if there are commonalities that is generally a good sign that you are on the right track.
Now get curious and try and think about the genesis of these ideals. Are they relatively new or been in your family for generations? The more we explore it, the more we realise that these values are dynamic, ever changing. Try and adopt a sense of calm curiousity during this process. Withhold judgment and see what arises through this process.
Question 2: What actions or beliefs needed justification?
Conversely, there were probably some behaviours that needed to be justified in your family. Often but not always, these are the inverse of the behaviours that were celebrated. For example, a family that valued placing others first would often discourage “selfish” behaviours. Looking out for oneself would raise suspicion in the family, perhaps leading to a sort of interrogation. What sort of actions needed justification in your own family?
It is much easier to avoid conspicuous behaviours than justify them.
This activity makes it easier to see how we shape and are shaped by our families. It is much easier to avoid conspicuous behaviours than justify them. No wonder we default towards certain ways of relating to the world — we internalise them because they kept a sense of belonging in the family. Without reflection, we will carry these ideals throughout our whole lives without being aware of them.
That is not to say that any of these ideals are inherently bad. In fact, families often orient us to better choices in life through the process of intergenerational learning. All beliefs are rooted in some experience (no matter how small or reactive). This activity just allows you to sort through these ideals and standards to live in align to your own personal values.
A living organism
It can be liberating but also sobering to see how much of a system we all are. Much like cells in an organism, we are both individuals but also part of something bigger. Cells grow and die, are born and multiply. Whether or not we identify with our families or some other group, we are all members of something larger than any one individual. When we can relinquish blame and instead approach our belonging with curiousity, positive change will follow.
Homework: Try the above activities and see what feelings arise for you. See how reflecting on your own understandings of family influences your outlook on life. Take it easy and slow — it can be a daunting exercise. I hope it leads to some insight for you 🙏
